These Days

Shelley placed the plate on the table with a loud click which bounced off the apartment walls.  Expressionless, she stared at the plate in silence.  Hot tears welled in her eyes and were sent running down her cheeks with a blink.  Shelley pressed her damp eyelids together, shrouding herself in darkness, before snapping them open and flinging the plate against the wall with a violent sweep of her hand.  Broken shards of china flew through the air and scattered themselves on the kitchen floor.  With her face reddening, Shelley swallowed a scream of rage as more tears ran down her face.  She didn’t want the neighbours to hear her outburst.  Shelley exhaled like a deflating balloon, letting her shoulders slump and her hands relax at her side.  The stifled scream became a mental groan as she knelt to gather up the pieces of plate.

That horrible, single plate.  Shelley knew she would be eating alone.  She didn’t need the mockery of the lone plate to remind her of that.  Eating alone, surfing the Internet alone, sleeping alone.  After putting the pieces of the broken plate gently on the table, Shelley leaned her back to the wall and slowly slid down until she was sitting on the floor, knees hugged to her chest.  She wasn’t going to drop her forehead to her knees; that would be too melodramatic.  Drama was only effective if it was for someone else’s benefit.  Instead, she stared at a spot on the floor in front of her, her slightly downturned mouth the only hint of emotion on her face.

Shelley had thought she could go it alone.  She had convinced herself that she didn’t need anybody in her life.  She was strong; she was independent.  But in the tightening pit at the base of her throat, she knew she had been lying to herself all these years.  Shelley resolved not to let any more tears leak from her eyes.  Feeling sorry for yourself was a sign of weakness.  The words of one of her favourite songs rose up in her mind unbidden to torment her.

"This life, well it's slipping right through my hands.
These days turned out nothing like I had planned."

Shelley walked to her bedroom and lay on her bed in the dark and cried until her pillow was soaked.